THE SEX THING AND STARTING OVER

Okay, well I suppose it’s time to talk about man sex.

I’ve not written on the topic previously but I claim that that this website is a help-point and yet there isn’t a section about this aspect of our new lives which encompasses new and enriching pleasures to be explored, enjoyed and challenged by.

Starting Over

In our earlier years it’s quite likely that we experienced some fumbling shenanigans with other males, but that was probably some twenty years ago, or so. Now we’re in our middle years and teetering on the brink of a great new adventure and it feels like we’re having to learn to ride a bike all over again with doubts and insecurities aplenty.

For me, I fretted about my age (40, oh the shame!), the size of my dick (not large), the size of my manboobs (too large) and a nagging fear that I wouldn’t cut it as a bedtime Olympian. Well, too much gay porn, sex with the wrong gender and an ageist society will get to you that way.

These are inevitable first night nerves and easy to get over in time. What will definitely smooth your passage, so to speak (!), is the entirely instinctive urges that you’ve suppressed for so many years finally coming to the surface. We are finally behaving as our genes originally intended and I can well remember the point at which I thought, how could something that feels so right, ever be wrong.

So, in no particular order, what follows are some selected case notes from the LG Sex Files.

THE TOP AND THE BOTTOM OF IT

Here’s one of the big questions that seems to loom large:  are you a top or a bottom?  Or, are you both?  And what if you decide you’re happy to be neither.

To spell it out in big capital letters, we’re talking about whether a guy penetrates, or gets penetrated in the sex act.  Clearly, with such an intimate act your position is going to be very personal to you.

Being Bottom ...

Some regard this as the submissive role but it is very important that you are in charge of what is being done to you.  A good, sensitive lover will be responsive to your signals, but if your date’s an oaf, then give him some training.  That you’ve hung your arse out on the line (how delicately I put these things!) doesn’t mean you’ve left a sign on the door saying,   ‘China Shop – Bulls Enter Here.’

And be warned - taking a guy, if you want it that way, may need some working up to and it’s important that you give yourself the time to get there.  Don’t be in a rush and don’t be over ambitious or you’ll find the experience too painful and off-putting.  Indeed,  If you find it’s not working out then don’t write off the project completely.  There are so many factors that may have a bearing on the comfort or otherwise of being penetrated such as the time of day, the location or setting, the size of the guy and the guy himself.  In time, you will get to know what works for you.

Top Dog ...

Now, for you top guys, you’re probably already fired up with your chaps on and a saddle bag full of lubes and condom, but hold on cowboy,  this ain’t no bucking bronco competition.   If you plan on being invited back try and make a graceful entrance at the start, especially with a newbie, and don’t forget to vary the pace and be responsive to your partner.  He will let you know when he’s comfortable for you to become more vigourous, and be sure, when he is directing you to ease off, to do so.

Sex is a game for two and like dancing it works best when the two partners achieve synchronicity.

Not even going there ...

As, I suggested, this aspect of sex is very personal and it is not unusual that some couples will enjoy only a passive relationship.  Speaking personally, I was in such a relationship for a time and I can honestly say that I did not feel I was missing out.  The sex was still very stimulating and the intimacy as strong.

It's your choice ...

So, whether you choose passive, top, bottom or versatile, the choice is yours to make and you needn't feel under any pressure to conform.

THE ART OF THE KISS

Oh bliss and glory for the good kisser (or snogger, as we know it in Anglo-Saxon).

To me, snogging is probably the loveliest point of contact between two men.  It can be so tender, so lustful and wonderfully immediate. 

How well I recall my first gay kiss when I was 23.  It was like kissing a live power point.

I’m told that I kiss very well which surprises me a little as I’m not sure what there is to go wrong.  I think the secret is in giving yourself up to the moment and opening up.

Heaven knows, I’m sure we’ve all had experience with the guys for whom snogging is the quickest route to an unwanted pregnancy.  The kind of guy that makes you feel like you’re the villain stealing a kiss off the heroine in a ‘B’ movie.

Mind you, better that than the guys who take as their role model the female praying mantis.  Woah, I think, didn’t this guy have dinner before he came out.  And let’s not forget the biters?!  Hey, if it’s alright with you, I’d kinda like to have that bottom lip in the morning, you know, just in case we’re doing breakfast, perhaps.

I suppose a person’s kissing technique does provide some important clues as to a guys personality.  How secure he is, how relaxed he is with you and how far he’s prepared to take things.

SEX AND THE GREAT OUTDOORS

Ok, so it is not for everyone, but many gay man do enjoy the prospect of casual cruising in an outdoor environment. True, not many have found the man of their dreams in a bush or at a tea party (in the UK we call it ‘cottaging’) but then again that’s not what we are there for. Outdoor cruising offers no-strings-attached adult fun with a frisson of elicitness.

‘But, isn’t it dangerous?’, people often ask. Well, most of the time, no. Not if you’re sensible and have your guard about you. Knowing when to quit and to recognise people who seem out of place are key also. Even so, we take risks and I’d have to admit to having twice been attacked myself, but still I’ll carry on.

Of course, it perhaps needs to be born in mind that in some places and cultures such practices remain illegal and liable to prosecution. What’s more, where such activities have been decriminalised and gay life has become more open there are those who say it is time for us to follow the fold and abandon such outrez ways. Well, that remains a matter for debate. As George Michael bellowed at snooping reporters who were trying to track him cruising, ‘**** off! It’s our culture!’.

THE SPECIALIST

This is the kind of sex partner who has a particular kink and who tends to want to stick to it exclusively.  In my experience it has ranged from nipple tweaking/sucking to toe sucking via ear lobe biting or in-step rubbing.

Now, while I will happily meet most requirements of a lover,  I get a little peeved when it becomes apparent that a guy wants to stick to the one thing.  It all tends to be one way traffic and he usually is in no rush to give anything back.

It’s in situations like that I can start to feel like the home help, and these are not the kind of things you’d normally have your home help do at all.

As Peggy Lee sings in the song, ‘Is that all there is?’  If that’s the scenario it’s not long before I’m making my excuses.